I am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye

Because I believe in being productive I've been scrolling through old posts tonight.  It's so funny that over all this time I haven't changed a bit.  At least not in the ways that count.  Despite my best efforts to motivate myself I think I'm still waiting for life to happen to me.  I wish I had the guts to throw myself out there.  I don't think I do though, I think I'm still a slave to the fear of failure.

I've adjusted to life without Shelley a lot better than I thought I would.  I see people farily often, I was a bit scared I would have no social life after she left.  I still wish she was home though, even after all this time she's still my bestie.  Since she's been gone I've reconnected with some friends I hadn't talked to in ages, and I even have some new friends.  Susan and I get along so well, it's crazy to think we had freshman PE together and we barely talked and that just a few weeks ago we totaly road tripped it together. I've even started hanging out with Cody again which is really nice.  He's so fun, it's nice that we can be friends again.

It makes me sad to see how little I've accomplished in the last few years.  I'm still in my parents house, and as always I'm lying to myself that I'll be out of the house in a month or so.  I always think that.  I'm so ready to be out of here.  It always seems like I find something to blame my faults on and lately it's been being stuck in this house.  I'm 19 and I still feel like a high schooler. I feel like if I could just get out on my own I would begin to feel like a real adult.  I know 19 is young but I feel like I'm 10.  Who knows maybe this time will turn out to be the real deal and I'll get out of my house.  And then again maybe I'll look back at my various journals in 6 months and I'll still be in this same situation.

I don't even know what I want to say.  I think I know what I want out of life right now but I for whatever reason I can't seem to go for it.  I see people living on thier own and wonder why I can't get my butt out of this house.  I see my friends with their various relationships and wonder what  is so wrong with me that I can't find a guy for myself.  I worry all the time that I'm going to die an old maid.  I have friends, and they make efforts to hang out with me all the time, and I still worry that they secretly hate me.  I'm so crazy, and there isn't much I can do about it.

So my current plans, so that in a few months I can look back and see what I failed to accomplish. I'm going to work at the theater at least until the end of season.  If they want to keep me on I'll probably stick around until Toys reopens.  I miss retail already and I've only been at the new job for like 2 or 3 weeks.  I want to go to medical school but so far my grades have been sub par.  I'm really worried that I won't get good enough grades, then where will I be?  I still can't seem to apply myself.  The newest roomie prospect is Ashely.  I think I'm going to give her a call after I pick up my first check (which will be small because it'll have like my training hours on there and just that) 

I still feel so empty.  I feel like everything I do is so pointiless.  I go to school because I'm expected to go to school.  I decided to continue on to med school because psychiatry is the only field that seems interesting enough to devote my whole life to and only then if I can practice.  I don't want to spend my life listening to people whine about thier marriages.  I want to work withn the seriously ill people, and that means med school. But I'm only moving toward a goal because I am expected to.

I think in a past life I must have have found my great passion.  Because I just feel so numb all time.  I'm not unhappy, I just really apathetic toward everything.  The only explination I've ever come up with is that my soul has known true happiness and now everything is pale in comparisson.  It feels like for me to feel anything I need to find my soul mate or find a hobbie that consumes me. And this is what I think I'm afraid of.  I delude myself into thinking moving out or finishing school is going to make some big change in my life.  That if I can just do this, or that I will finally feel something.  I think I'm scared that I will make these changes in my life and realise that they really don't change a thing.  It seems so silly, because it shouldn't be scary to think that things aren't gonig to change.  But having a goal in mind gives me some kind of hope that I'll get over this bland exsistance I call life.  I hate that I have it so good in the world, and I do, I don't have everything but this life has been so good to me, and yet I can't make myself enjoy it.  I do have the moments where I sit and am thankful for having the life that I have but no realisation in the world can make me feel.  I'm just so sick of being numb, I really wish I could find something to get excited about in life.   

Oh vox, I really love you design but for whatever reason I just never seem to use you! It seems like I only come on here to think through things.  But at least I am using it for something.

That being stated, I'm a few weeks into my second semester of college.  I've got to say the experience isn't everything I thought it would be.  I blame this on the fact that I don't live in the dorms.  I'm so bad at making friends already, and everyone made all the friends they need in their first week of school just by meeting with people in thier dorms and eatting in the commons.  I have people I talk with, I'm not a social outcast or anything but still I'd like to make some real friends.  It just gets so lonely there sometimes.  I know that I will only get at much out of my college experience as I put into it, but I really am tring.  I'm involved with a club, and I don't sit around and frown all the time.  It just seems like (with the exception of 1 class) That all my classes are full of people that know each other already.  But that shouldn't be any excuse, I just need to try harder I'm sure.  And with my new circumstances I have a little added push.

This push being my bestie moving to Florida for 6 and 1/2 months.  I got so used to hanging out with her 4 days out of the week I'm a little disoriented. It's not like I don't have other friends, but I got so lazy.  Shelley was so easy to hand out with, always up for a movie or dinner.  But I think this may just be a blessing in disguise, it's forcing me to reconnect with everyone else. And I love all my other friends, and now I'm being reminded of this :D  That being said I'm so sad I won't see Shelley again until August probably.  I may go down and visit, but finanically, I really shouldn't.  I need to move out and pay for school, and not waste hundreds of dollars going to Disney World over spring break.  But I do love disney.  We've been practically attached at the hip the last couple of months, it's so weird to think I'm not going to see her forever.  I'm sure she'll have changed a bit by the time she comes back and hopefully I'll have grown some during this time too.  My big goal is to be moved out in the next couple months. I just need to get a new job. 

I hope Sara really does move out with me.  I'm sick of people being all "yeah I so want to move out" and then flaking.  I haven't been the most reliable on my end, but at the same time I haven't been properly motivated because everyone is so crazy.  But I've got a good feeling about moving out with Sara, she really wants to get out of her house which is always a good motivater. 

Because I'm a commuter student college feels just like high school.  Especially since I'm still at home with my parents.  I just need a change.  I'm jealous of Shelley because she's getting to have this wonderful experience that is taking her away from everything she knows.  Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for her and no one deserves to live in Disney World more that she does (she adores disney) but I want to get away from everything too.  Hopefully this need for change will motivate me to get a new job soon.  It's just so easy to get in a rut.  But I know I need to get on this soon because already I'm sliding into that numb dispostion.  Over the break I was working so much I didn't have time to wollow in self pity but now I have way too much free time on my hands.  I'm just not the kind of person who can handle much free time.  More than a day to myself a week and I begin to wonder what's wrong with me that I don't have more plans.  I just need to put myself out in the world.  Sure I'll get rejected sometimes but I think overall the effect should be a positive one.  I know what the solution to my problem is, I need to be the change I wish to see in my life, I just don't know that I have it in me to be that change.

Where do you get recommendations for new books to read?

Lately I've been going through the books posted on Vox.  I figure if someone took the time to add the book to their vox it must be worth while.  I also like to go to the best sellers list, because I like to jump on the banwagon.

If you knew you had one week to live, what would you do, where would you go, who would you see? 
Submitted by normatheartist

Say goodbye and finish my life list.  A week isn't a very long time, so I don't know that I would want to waste to muc time traveling.   Although I might go to Disney Land, because I haven't been there and it just seems like one of those things.  I'd definately spend some time watching a few of those movies everyone needs to see, like Casa Blanca.  Shelley would have to take the week off of work, because how can I not spend my last week with my number 1?  I'd have to watch that episode of Justice League where the Flash and Lex Luther switch bodies, I still can't believe Shelley didn't record that for me.  I'd probably do the whole week in style too xD Other than that I'm not to sure, I wouldn't waste any time wallowing though, that's for sure. 

I have way too much free time on my hands.  I need school to start, or I need to get a job.  I have been half-heartedly trying to get a job but I have been unsuccessful thus far.  Not having a job also means I'm constantly broke, which makes hanging out with people a bit hard.  There's nothing to do around here but shop and eat.  Although I am going to check into whether my museum membership is still any good. 

And speaking of friends I feel like some of mine are slipping away.  Not that it is their fault, I really should be making more of an effort.  I'm so worried as time goes on it'll only get worse.  I'll be getting a job soon (I'm determined) and classes start up at then end of next month.  I'm sure I'll only have limited free time and I'll be lucky if it coinsides with everyone else's free time.  I also feel that on occasion my actions gain dissaproval from some of my friends.  I just want to be young and stupid every now and again.  I'm very careful not to do anything dangerous, and am thankful to know that if I were to they'd be around to tell me off for it.  I don't want to let anyone down, and I most certainly don't want to lose myself.

On another note I broke up with my boyfriend yesterday.  He was the sweetest guy in the world and I care about him a lot but at this time in my life I'm just not ready to invest myself in a relationship.  I know it wouldn't be fair to either of us to continue the relationship but I miss him already.  I had no plans for tomorrow and I was going to call him up, until I remembered just how awkward it would be.  I want to have him around as a friend, but I don't know how long it will be before we can get to that point.  Sometimes I wish life wasn't so dang complicated. Stupid feelings.   

I really like having this journal.  I figure my posts are rarely read so I can write whatever I want and not worry to much about it. Seeing my thoughts written out in front of me really helps to clarify what's going on in my head.  Now that I know what the problem is and I can start to fix it.  Tomorrow I'm going to work on trying to get a job.  Over the next couple of days'll I'll try and make plans with those friends I'm missing.  I can make all the excuses I want but there would be no problem if I'd just try with them a little harder.  I don't know what to do about Cody, I suppose I'll just have to let nature take its course on that one.  I can't fix everything but I have to make my best effort.  What is it Gandhi said? "You must be the change you want to see in the world" 

Books: Show us a great beach read.

The Diaries of Adam and Eve (Hesperus Press)

Mark Twain

I suggest the Diaries of Adam and Eve.  It's a small book, easy to carry around and it's a fun read.  Nothing heavy or upsetting to ruin the relaxing mood of the beach.

It really does.  It doesn't seem that long ago that I was just starting high school.  BGHS (which seems so small now) was this daunting maze that I had no idea how to navigate.  For the first time in a long time I was in classes where I didn't know people.  I look back at myself in that year and just kind of shake my head in embarrassment.  I must have been going for the punk look, with the colored hair and dark clothes.  I was so young, it's hard to believe how different I am just a short 4 years later.  My hair is its natural color, I wear a variety of colors, and I'm much more my own person.  I hope in four years I don't look back on myself with such embarrassment. 

Graduation is on Monday, and I'm just now realising how very close that is.  I'm not entirely sure I'm ready for it.  It's one of many steps I'm taking towards entering the real world.  I've got plans to move out with some friends, we even have the apartment complex picked out.  I have a promising interview on Wednesday, so that I can afford the apartment.  I already signed up for classes at the University of Portland.  Before it seemed like all this would never come but now I'm wishing a could pause everything for a minute.  I'm excited to enter this new phase of my life but I'd like just a little more time to enjoy the old one.  It's hard to believe that Monday is the last day I'll see some people.  As much as I'd like to stay in touch with everyone I know that there are a lot of people that I won't talk to after we graduate.  Grad night is my last chance to make memories with them.  I'm gonna miss everyone so much.  This is the strangest mix of feelings I've ever had.  I'm excited, scared, and sad all at the same time; along with a millon other emotions.  I just know I'm going to cry at graduation.  I'm nearing tears right now just thinking about it. 

I'm nearing a freak out.  I just realised that it is now techincally Sunday, which makes gradution tomorrow.  Tomorrow.  How is it already the day before?  I wish I could go back to my freshmen self and say "Cerish this, it will be over before you know it."  I'm lucky in that I have always had a sence that high school moves to fast but I wish I could tell myself just how very fast it goes.   This is moving me far out of my comfort zone.  What I do after this will have impications that could (and will) last me the rest of my life.  And I'm so afraid I'll take a wrong turn and fail.  Part of me knows that as long as I do my best and stay true to what I believe in I can't really fail but another part of me is saying that's a load of crap and I'd better watch my step. 

I just want to pause things for one more minute, and enjoy the high school life and all that it has means to me.  People say that college is the best four years of your life.  My question is, if I'm having this much trouble giving up my high school life what am I going to do when I graduate from college? 

Today this song describes me perfectally.

Brand New - Soco Amaretto Lime

What are your deal breakers in a relationship?

I will not put up with being told what to do.  I don't care if I wouldn't do it anyway, tell me not to do something and I might even go as far doing it just to be spiteful.  I'm a vegitarian but if my guy said "I forbid you to eat meat"  I'd go out and eat a hamburger right in his face.  I'd then probably throw up because my body can't process meat anymore but I wouldn't tell him that.

In 5 words or less, who are you? 
Submitted by dejablu503.

Domestic, Driven, Introspective, Indecisive, Unconfrontational.

When you go out to eat, how do you pick where to go?
Submitted by Kristine.

We nearly always end up going to Shari's.  Why?  Because it's inexpensive, casual, and open all night.  Usually the decision to eat comes about around midnight and Shari's is the only real restaurant open that late.  But it's amazing because we go there so often a few of the people that work there actually recognise us when we go in xD